Journal

3-29-05
Well, here we go….
Pretty much since our conversation the other day I have been thinking about what I can and need to do in order to make sure for both of us that I share what God is doing in my life and not unconsciously piggy-backing on your experiences with God.
So here is the plan as of right now; I am going to try to e-mail you everyday or every other day with what I have felt God teaching and showing me.
I realize this might seem a lofty goal. However, as I thought through it I realized this is more what I need to be doing anyway. And if it’s the time that would keep me from this then my priorities are not correct cause just cause your not here doesn’t mean I can make you any less of a priority than if you were.
So, that is the plan and today is as good as any to start so here it is…

Today, I am not sure if you had a chance to read through Oswald but he was talking about being real to Christ. Making our walk with Him real. Then in chapel today we had like one of the better speakers we’ve had since I have been here. And he spoke on making our relationship with Christ the most important thing in our lives and how from that will flow the things that He wants us to be doing. He also talked about being just a doer for Christ and not having a focus on our relationship with Him.
I say all this to say… I really felt the Lord tugging on my heart and asking the question am I real to you? Of course at first I became almost defensive and said um… hello I am bible school trying to learn more about you so I can go out and serve you! But, again I felt God asking am I real to you? And as I thought about it I had to be honest with myself and say God I sure am not living like it. I don’t give you the time, effort, and love you deserve as my God. As I think about this I can’t help but think about the time when Christ asks Peter “do you love me?” and Peter responds “Christ you know I like you” Peter just didn’t get it. And as I thought about this question I felt God asking me, I realized I was responding just like Peter did.
So as I took all this and tried to make heads or tales of it, I have come to the conclusion I am not giving God my best at this point, I am spending time with Him yes. But I am not going into those times thinking that anything great will come from it. I go into because sometimes I feel like I have to, sometimes cause I want to, and others just cause that’s what a good Christian does. What I want to come from this question God posed to me today is for me to ask myself before I do my devos, before I help, before I “do” anything for Christ, I want to ask what are my motives for this? For what reason am I doing this? I would appreciate your prayers on following through on this, it is going to take me stepping past my personality and moving into an action that goes against my carefree nature. It won’t be easy but I need to make sure I am doing whatever it is because it’s in my heart to do it. Not because I am supposed to.

I have no Idea if this is going to help you or not. But just sitting here and typing this and thinking through my day and the events. Has really helped me to really think about this stuff and what is means. And… yeah I don’t know I just think this is going to be great if for no other reason than I have to think through things and sharing them helps me to feel them on as deeper level. I think I am going to start using this as a diary as well, I have no success thus far with writing in journals and have just gotten frustrated. But I think this could really work. Typing is way better for me than writing and I almost enjoy it. Where as writing I pretty dislike with a great passion ;-)
So anyway, here is the first of what I hope is a long-term series of sharing with you my heart. And what God is doing in my life semi-daily.


I love you with everything I’ve got!!!!!
Nathan